


there’s a story at the bottom of this bottle

by mermistia



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alcohol, Drunken Confessions, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Breakdown, me: PLEASE if we want consistent validation we can’t keep writing rarepairs, mmmm idk what else, my autistic ass: im sorry what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-10 04:17:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20521802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mermistia/pseuds/mermistia
Summary: Confessing your love for someone while drunk is areallybad idea.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> listen i have a god damn plaster on my thumb do you have ANY idea how long it took me to get this thing ready to post considering i can barely fucking type

The words fall from their mouth before they can stop them. 

_I think I might have feelings for you._

_Like, romantic ones._

_Isn’t that funny?_

_Funny, funny, funny._

_Feelings are funny._

_Don’t you think, River?_

Ly is only half aware of the words they’re saying, letting the sentences slur and blend in their mouth, and they shake the bottle in their hand absent-mindedly. The room spins suddenly, knocking them sick for a few seconds, but they shake their head and make everything steady with a laugh that’s more than a little too loud. 

They’re still talking, words that switch between being almost silent and almost screaming, and they can barely hear themselves as they ramble, talking about love, feelings, emotions, humans, River, love. “So, feelings, am I right?” They lean forwards a little in their seat, resting their elbows on their knees as they smile up at River with a lopsided grin. 

River isn’t meeting their eye. Ly falters for a second, wringing their hands, and drops the now empty bottle into their lap with a soft thump, blinking up through blurred eyes. “Riv? You heard me, right?” A gleam lights in their eye, and they reach a bold hand up to poke at River’s face teasingly. “Don’t tell me your human form doesn’t have any hearing capabilities. That’d be a tragedy.”

Their smile fades when River flinches away from their touch, catching their hand in his fist and pushing it away. “Don’t, Ly. Just- just don’t.”

Ly frowns, leaning backwards against the arm of the sofa, stretching out and throwing their feet into River’s lap. They tuck their arms behind their head, swallowing back the slight sickness that bubbles up at the quickness of their movements, and their frown deepens with River pushes their feet away with an irritated shove. “Man, I just told you I love you. What’s your problem, Riv?” The frown twists into a wide smile, and they settle further into the sofa, reaching down to the floor blindly for another bottle. “Don’t you love me too?” The last word drags a little, stretching into a teasing sing-song, and River’s face contorts. 

“You aren’t funny, Ly.”

“I’m not trying to be funny. I am when I try, though. Very funny. All the time.” They let out a laugh, short and high-pitched, as if to prove their point, kicking their legs a little in joy. “One of the things you love about me?”

“Ly... please.” River winces a little at their words, shifting away from Ly as far as he can on the sofa. “This isn’t- this isn’t _fair._”

“What’s not fair? All I’m saying is I love you, Riv.”

“You don’t, though.” River’s voice is low, and Ly watches as he stares at the floor, his hands fumbling with each other in his lap, picking at his nails until the skin tears and shows drops of blood. “You’re just... drunk. Again.”

“No,” Ly sits up with a start, forcing their words to stay apart and stop slurring as best they can. Another sick feeling rises in their throat and they swallow it impatiently, shaky hands reaching out to take River’s, holding him as tightly as they can so he can’t shift away. “No no no,” they stutter, their words blending into one another despite their best efforts, and they wince at the sound, taking a deep breath and starting again. “_No,_ River. I m- I men- I’m- I mean it! Like, really!”

A brief look of disgust crosses River’s face, and he wrenches his hands out of Ly’s grasp with a snarl. “Jesus, Lyceum, you can barely speak. You don’t mean anything you say.”

“I’m just nervous! I’m not that drunk, I’m not, I’m just nervous. You make me nervous!”

“Yeah, and you make me _sick._” 

Ly’s breath catches in their throat. “Riv, c’mon, you don’t- you don’t mean that.” Their voice shatters a little, heartbroken, and they grip fingers in their hair, trying desperately to shake away any lingering drunkenness. “I’m sorry I’m drunk, I’m sorry, but please- you know I mean it. You know that, River. Tell me you know that.”

River swallows nothingness, blinking as his eyes prickle with the beginnings of tears. “Do I?”

Ly’s face drops. “You _do,_ you do! River, I love you!” 

“Don’t _say_ that!”

“But it’s true!”

“No, it’s _not!_” River stands up with a start, sending a pillow beside him tumbling to the floor. Ly watches, blinking back tears, staring at River as he shakes, burying his face deep into his hands. “_Please,_ Ly, stop it. Please, please, just... just stop.” He drops to the floor miserably, head in his hands, and leans back against the sofa with a sigh. “It’s not fair for you to toy with my emotions like this. I’m not even used to having feelings yet, I’m not used to having a heart... I’m not ready for you to break it already.”

Ly feels the breath leave their body. “River...” They reach out a tentative hand, drawing it back themselves before it comes anywhere close to making contact. 

“Stop,” River says, and he lets out a sharp sob, wiping away his tears as quickly as he can. “Just stop, Ly. I’m just... I’m leaving. You can- just call me when you’re sober, I guess.” 

“River, wait!” Ly scrambles to their feet quickly, too quickly, and their head blacks out as they stumble sideways, clutching the wall for support. “I’m- I can’t- I’m not lying!”

“I’m done, Ly,” and all of the sadness is gone from River’s voice, replaced with tiredness and a snap of anger. “I’ll see you later.”

The door closes with a slam, shaking the walls and making Ly slide down a little, and they let the gravity take them until they’re on the floor, slumped against the wall with their head hanging low. River’s footsteps pound on the floor outside, getting quieter and quieter, more and more distant, until they fade into the other sounds of the street and become non-existent. 

He’s _gone._

Ly told him how they feel, they opened up, they tried their best, and he’s _gone._

An anger rises up inside of them, twisting and boiling, and Ly kicks out a leg, hitting a bottle and sending it skidding across the floor. It slams into the opposite wall with a sickening crack, and they watch as droplets of beer seep out, coating the floor in sticky liquid. 

A sob catches in their throat and they let tears fall, sitting up slightly, fingers searching desperately in their pocket for their phone, scrolling their contacts, pressing River’s name and holding it close to their ear. 

It rings once. 

Twice. 

And the call stops. 

Another anger rips through Ly’s body when they realise that River just turned down their call. _Deliberately._

“Fuck!” Their phone clatters to the floor as they drop it, leaning back again. There’s another bottle of beer, so close to their hand.

They take it.

They drink it as fast as they can, letting it flow through them so quickly that they barely taste it, and throw the bottle across the room once it’s empty, the soft clink of it hitting the floor magnifying in their brain and sending pain spinning through their head. 

Their phone buzzes. 

A text from River, simple and awkward and a gesture that makes them want to cry. 

𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

They’re texting back before they can even fully process what it says, punching at the keyboard with their heart pounding. 

𝘕𝘰, 𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥.

A reply. 

𝘐𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵, 𝘓𝘺𝘤𝘦𝘶𝘮.

They know it’s safer to lie. Cutting romantic feelings off now is better. Cutting River off now is better. For both of them. 

𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬. 𝘏𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘭𝘺, 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘮. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘦. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘫𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘙𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵, 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶?

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶?

𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨. 

One last message to River. 

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 

𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the angst train: pt 2

River’s been trying to talk to them. 

Ly has heard him, tapping on the door, pressing down on the handle, whispering broken-hearted pleas through the doorframe. 

“Lyceum?”

“Are you there?”

“Please, _please_ answer me, Ly.”

“I need you.”

He’s been so many times, he’s tried to make contact so many times. 

Ly can’t bring themself to answer. 

They should, they know, and they _want_ to so desperately, they want to run into River’s arms and hold him tight and tell him that it was a lie, they were _lying,_ to tell him that _I’m sorry River, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it!_ Sometimes they can almost imagine it. 

They can imagine the warmth of River’s body.

The safety of his arms. 

The softness of his lips, caring and gentle and maybe possibly kind of in _love,_ before they shake their head and ignore it, hugging their arms around them tightly and sliding to the floor, back pressed against the door and head buried in their knees. 

They want it though, they need it, they need that love, that safety, that feeling of home, they need _River,_ but they’ve said the wrong words and thought the wrong things and moved at the wrong time and watched it fall to pieces in front of their eyes, closed doors and smashed bottles and words that aren’t true breaking everything apart in front of them. They ruined it. They broke his heart and then they broke their own. And it’s all their own fault. 

They turned him away.

Except, they didn’t. 

They can hear footsteps outside. It’s soft and slow and somehow still urgent, leading straight to their door and pausing just outside. They already know who it is, of course they do, and they take a shuddering breath as they prepare themself for a conversation that they’re almost scared to have. 

There’s a short knock on the door, a quick intake of breath, the sound of shuffled feet, and then, “Lyceum? Are you there?”

Ly lets out a silent sob. A hand claps over their mouth, and they throw themself back against the door, wincing at the way their head slams back to connect with it. Jumbled swears run through their mind as they realise that River probably heard the thunk of their head hitting the door, and now he knows they’re here, and they can’t even try to deny it. 

“Lyceum, please. I can see your shadow under the door.” River’s voice breaks a little around the words, and Ly closes their eyes as they hear River lean against the door and slide down onto the ground in a mirror image of Ly’s position. “Please, just talk to me.”

They don’t. River sighs on the other side of the door, a shuffling noise making its way to Ly’s ears as River shifts, pulling his knees close to his chest. 

“I’m not mad, you know.” River’s voice is softer this time, less broken, like he’s choosing his words carefully, and Ly feels a short pang of appreciation at the effort that he’s putting into the conversation. “I promise, I’m not, I just- I want to talk to you. When you’re not drunk. I need to- there are things I need to say, Ly.”

“Like what?” Ly’s voice is hoarse, and they squeeze their eyes shut tighter as they wait for River’s response. There’s another shuffling noise on the other side of the door, like River scrambling to turn around as if he can see Ly’s face, and then a defeated sigh when he realises that the door remains shut. 

“Like _I love you,_” River says, and Ly hears his palm touch the door, soft and gentle. “I know you were lying in that message. I have to believe you were lying. I have to. And I love you too, Lyceum, I really do.”

Ly laughs, feeling it shake their body despite the heartbreak running through their veins. “You shouldn’t.”

You shouldn’t talk to me. 

Shouldn’t know me. 

Shouldn’t be with me. 

Shouldn’t love me. 

“I don’t care about shouldn’t.”

Ly snorts, another laugh, harsher this time. “You should. River, I said what I said. Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“But you didn’t mean it...”

“Says who?” Ly’s voice snaps, cutting through the air like a knife, and they turn and punch the door with a sudden burst of strength. “I was _drunk,_ River, I told you that. I wasn’t in my right mind. I don’t fucking love you, you should know that by now, so just leave me the fuck alone and accept that, would you?” Ly can feel their voice rising with each word, and they clap a hand over their mouth in a desperate attempt to make it _stop,_ make the lying _stop,_ because they don’t even know why they’re doing it anymore, and it would be so much easier to open the door and tumble into River’s arms and cry, to apologise and tell him they want him, they need him, they love him, and maybe River can forgive them and he’ll hold them close and tell them it’s okay, it’s _okay,_ I forgive you, you’re _safe-_ Ly shakes their head, wrenching the thought of River’s love from their mind. 

“I don’t love you,” they say, and they wonder dully if this is what it’s like to have a SQUIP holding over your body, this fear and terror, this feeling of something strange deep inside you forcing you to hurt the people around you. They _really_ don’t feel in control of their own words right now, like there’s something else in their mind throwing disgusted words from their lips before they can stop it. It’s ironic, they suppose, and they realise that they probably should apologise to Jeremy a lot more than they already have, that they should tell him that they’re sorry for making him say and do so much wrong. 

They are sorry. 

They understand it now. 

“Just _go,_ River.”

Please stay. 

“Leave me alone.”

Please hold me. 

“Don’t come here again.”

Find a way to open the door and see me, touch me, hold me, love me, _please._

“Just go!”

“Lyceum- Ly...” The door handle rattles above Ly’s head and they look up from their place on the floor to see it move, shake, shift, and then still, River’s last-ditch attempt at making contact. “Please, just talk to me. _Please._”

“Get away from me! I hate you!” The words ring in Ly’s head as they shout them, the room spinning as they grip hands further and further into their hair, pulling as hard as they can and making their eyes water with tears. “I don’t want to listen to you anymore, I hate you, _I hate you!_”

They can hear River crying on the other side of the door, trying again to open the door with desperation, but it stayed closed and locked with each of them on a different side, so close and so far apart, with broken words shared between them. 

“Lyceum, you don’t- you don’t hate me- _please,_ you can’t hate me. I don’t know why you’re lying, but it’s _okay,_ we can fix this, just let me in-”

One last chance. 

One last chance to tell the truth, and Ly runs the words around in his head, thinking and wondering and contemplating. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I really, really love you. 

I’m sorry. 

I don’t know why I’m saying these things. 

I’m so scared of breaking your heart. Of breaking my own. Of us being together. 

We’ll ruin each other. I don’t want that. 

I’m so sorry. 

I’m scared of breaking your heart in the future, River. 

So I’ll just do it now instead. 

You’ll heal. 

Without me. 

I’m sorry. 

“I hate you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im pretty sure there’s mistakes in this but im not gonna proofread bc it’s been a rlly shitty day and a bitch is tired

**Author's Note:**

> it’s been a Day, folks


End file.
